Family Style

Father and Son Bakery

While I'm pretty positive this place is a front for the Armenian Mob, it also has the best goddamn coffee around. If you're ever in the mood for a coffee that makes you feel like you just drank a shot of crack, this is the place to go. Nevermind the fact that the place is chock full of traditional pastries and desserts that look like your Armenian Grandma made, the coffee is a serious punch in the face and at $6 a pound, it's the gift that keeps on giving. 

Beans, Beans: the Magical Fruit... Black Edition

Being a poor mofo such as myself, I look for ways to dress cheap ingredients in some pretty fancy pants. I call this approach the Ghetto Gourmet way. Beans are a classic cheap ingredient that you can buy either dry in bulk or canned, and that pack a punch as far as protein is concerned. If you ever have a vegetarian guest, or just don't have the scratch to get a good piece of meat, never fear: beans are here.

The first recipe I will share in my beans series is for Black Bean Soup. There are only a handful of ingredients required for such a spectacular dish that can be served by itself, as an appetizer, with a meal, or as a sauce on top of something more hearty.

Assemble the following shit:

BLENDAH
CAN OF BLACK BEANS
SOUR CREAM
HEAVY/WHIPPING CREAM OR WHOLE MILK
LIQUID SMOKE
MONTREAL STEAK SEASONING
GREEN ONION or CHIVES or CILANTRO
SHREDDED CHEESE (optional)

For me, I usually keep a steady supply of canned black beans in my cupboard. Since this is my go-to dish when I'm lazy, broke, right-this-second-hungry, or trying to impress someone on a budget, I'm never without 4 or 5 regular sized cans, as well as 2 or 3 large cans. I will purchase them 10 at a time when they are on sale, and slowly use them in a ration system. I find that 1 regular sized can is suitable for one person when that is the only dish being served, 1 large can if you are preparing for 2. If you are serving it as an appetizer or part of a meal, 1 can is good for 2 people. When creating as a sauce, 1 can go a long way. I purchase store brand or Goya beans, but never ones that are pre-seasoned or low sodium. They just taste really fucking gross.

Step 1: choose your bean can. Pop open that can, and drain out half of the liquid.
Step 2: pour the rest of the can into a small or medium sized sauce pan and turn it to medium heat. During step 2, you will also add Montreal Steak Seasoning to taste and a FEW drops of Liquid Smoke.  Here is a disclaimer about Liquid Smoke. I don't know what kind of magical potion this is, but it has the power to transform anything you add it to into tasting like a barbecued dish. The one problem is its potency- if more than a few drops are used at any given time, you will turn whatever you're cooking into charcoal, not barbecue. Tread lightly with the drops. 
Step 3: stir the beans occasionally so they don't burn on the bottom. They are ready to go into the blender when the liquid in the pot is boiling.
Step 4: pour the entire contents on the pot into your blender.
Step 5: Add 2 second pour of whipping/heavy cream. Depending on how thick you like your black bean soup (I like mine to be thick enough to plant your spoon straight up in), you will want to add the cream to adjust to whatever thinness you crave. You can also rectify this issue by keeping more of the liquid in the can when you strain the beans in Step 1. 
Step 6: Blend your mixture on high for a whipped texture for about 2-3 minutes. This speed will make your soup as smooth as a baby's bottom.
Step 7: Plate the soup. To add a dash of the dashing, plop a little dollop of sour cream right in the middle and sprinkle a little fresh chopped green onion or chive to give it a pop of color. If you're a cheesehead, sprinkle some shredded cheese (I recommend cheddar, chèvre, or something sharp).

Go-To Ingredients

This blog is designed for people who want to cook like a pro but don't have the time, money, or inclination. I am a person that never has any of these, yet I manage to impress with the things I pull outta my ass. If you want to please while your belt is a little tight, always make sure you have the following things on hand and you'll do fine in any pop-up situation.

Here's a look at Toni Gibroni's Top 10 Cheat Sheet:

• Always keep a little thingy of heavy or whipping cream on hand. A classy way to dress up anything is with sauce, and whipping cream is a cheap thickening agent that packs a lot of flavor.
• For bringing a meaty flavor to even non-meat dishes, use Montreal Steak Seasoning. Frank's Red Hot may use the tagline "I put this shit on everything," but seriously, Montreal Steak seasoning is something you can use on fucking everything, and it makes everyone want to have sex with what they're eating. True story.*
• Buttah, because seriously, if you don't have butter you need to go home because you're drunk. I'm not talking about margarine either, that shit is fucking gross when you try to cook with it and it ruins the bottom of pans. Also because it's fucking made out of poison. If you don't do butter because you're vegan or something, then fine. Use some smart balance or whatever the fuck you need to make you feel good at night. 
• Flour, because you can bread things, make roux, and throw it on yourself to look like you've really been working hard at something when people show up.
• Little plastic lemon and little plastic lime juices. Mostly because they're cute, but also because they help bring a little pizazz to anything you add it to, they last for 10 million years, and you can attack burglars with their highly acidic streams right in the eyeballs, should you ever find yourself in that position.
• Sesame oil- added to almost anything, it gives a sensational toasted smell and flavor. 
• One block of awesome cheese- not for sandwiches and shit, but for toppings, sauces, or garnish. I recommend Dubliner cheese. 
• Frozen cubes of spices. Found at Trader Joe's, you can purchase crushed garlic, ginger, cilantro, basil, etc pre packed into little trays that look like ice cubes. If you don't like cooking a lot or you don't have a lot of storage space in cabinets or on counters, these little miracles pack a punch for your tastebuds that dry spices just can't touch.
• A nice flight of vinegars can really come in handy for many things, from taste, to cleaning, to preservation of foods. I recommend having a rice vinegar, a white vinegar, an apple cider (unfiltered) vinegar, and a red wine vinegar on hand always. They are useful for a variety of reasons, plus if you're a man reading this, most bitches will automatically be impressed if you accidentally show them your collection. True story** 

You might be saying to yourself, "Jeeze, Toni- this seems like a bunch of random-ass malarky," which is true. But I promise you can find ways to frequently use all of them and make even the cheapest dishes sassy. 

*Not true at all. 
**Probably only true if they are really stupid. 

Gibroni- dumbass/moron in Italian

Some of you may be wondering why you should give two shits about my blog, Toni Gibroni's Food for Thought. Honestly, go fuck yourself. I don't give two shits, so you probably shouldn't either.

Some of you may be asking, "But Toni, why would you spend time writing all this nonsense if you don't care about it or care if other people care about it?" To which I respond, "Hey, who died and made you the Pope of Giving a Shit?"I don't do anything because someone else cares about it, I do it because it's about me, what I like, what I don't like, and because I'm tired of all these ramblings rolling around in my brain.

All I can tell yous is this: If you're reading this in a De Niro from Good Fellas voice, you're in the right place. Otherwise, go fuck yourself.

This is a blog where you'll find that half-crazed musings blend perfectly with thoughts on food, drink, and entertainment. If you don't like it, my pal Boots Tomasulo can make you the cement shooz. Now getattaheeeeeee, you halfwit gibroni.